Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
