I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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