Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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