I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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