I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
