i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
