Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
