he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize