MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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