yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
