Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
