Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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