Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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