Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize