yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
