have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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