oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
