so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
