Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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