THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
