wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
