Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
