so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
