it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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