dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
