We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
