good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
