I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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