You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
