Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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