hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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