Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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