I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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