So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
