I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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