so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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