bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize