One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
