thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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