The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize