I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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