I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
