I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
