Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
