Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize