I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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