hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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