I wish I could teleport
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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