Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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