dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
