He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
