best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
