You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
