Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
