Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
