dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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