facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You can't just leave with hair like that
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
