Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize