I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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