So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We got so high we made milksteak
i want to swaddle you in tequila
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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