I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
