I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
