I must be too annoying 4 u.
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
