i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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