I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
All the doctor said was why
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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