Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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