Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize