I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
