my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
