So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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