It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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