I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
