I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My dick has a subreddit
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
