i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
