My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
